


sunspots or raindrops

by picht



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Coming Out, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderswap, Harry Lives, Hurt/Comfort, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Transmisogyny, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 13:45:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12434097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picht/pseuds/picht
Summary: “M’happy, mum,” she says, but there’s no fight in it, because she knows it’s true. She’snothappy. Notreally.Harry is the perfect partner in every way. He’s kind, considerate, he listens to what she has to say and is genuinely interested in everything that may come out of her mouth. He would do anything for Eggsy, and Eggsy knows this. Some people may judge them for the age gap, but Eggsy knows that the love that Harry has for her is real, tangible. He loves his boyfriend—but that’s just it, innit? Eggsy ain’t no boyfriend. She isn’t, she never has been, she never will be. She ain’t been a boy since she tried on that dress in fourth grade, and if Dean couldn’t beat the queerness outta her, then nothing can.“But you ain’t,” her mum insists, and Eggsy may give a great performance when faced with a job, or with people who don’t know, but she ain’t never been able to fool her own mum.///eggsy is a trans woman, has always been a trans woman, it's just that... no one knows 'cept her mum. and she would like to keep it that way, coming out and being comfortable in her skin isn't worth the potential fallout... but michelle has other ideas





	sunspots or raindrops

**Author's Note:**

> so i was prompted a gerard way/bert mccracken/frank iero fic on tumblr literally like 2 or 3 weeks ago that i should be FUCKING WORKING ON but uhhhhh i watched kingsman the other night and ended up writing this instead. this is like probably the most niche thing in the entire world and probably like no one will like it but me but u kno what im fine w that
> 
> i am very Southern American(tm) and this isn't britpicked i mostly just tried to emulate what i had been seeing in other kingsman fics so sorry if the language is way off

Eggsy would really appreciate it if her mum would stop worrying about her, already. They’re having lunch, Daisy coloring away with stubby crayons, and this is the third time in the past week that her Ma has brought this up. “Ma,” she says, exasperated. “‘Mfine.”

“Don’t gimme that, Eggsy,” Michelle says, loudly, before lowering her voice upon realizing that there may be people listening. “I’m your _ma_ , I know you ain’t _fine_.”

“ _Ma_ ,” Eggsy starts, but can’t get another word in before Michelle keeps talking.

“You been with that man for, what, six months? Been livin’ with him for four, and he still don’t know? When you gonna tell him, huh?”

Eggsy says something, quiet and fast so that Michelle can’t hear it and hopefully will stop pushing it, and that’s pretty fuckin’ ridiculous, innit? She’s saved the world more times than she can count but is scared of her own mum. “What was that?” Michelle asks, tilting her ear towards Eggsy, as if to say _speak up_. Eggsy just groans and puts her face in her hands.

“I said…” she takes a deep breath. “I said I ain’t gonna tell him.” This was clearly not the right thing to say.

Michelle’s face becomes thunderous as she says, “Like _hell_ you ain’t!” She has to stop to breathe, she’s getting so heated from the conversation. “Ain’t no daughter of mine gonna be with a man who don’t accept her for her.” Eggsy, bites her lip, willing herself not to tear up. It’s so fucking stupid that after all this time, this sort of thing gets her so emotional, but she can’t help it. “Listen,” Michelle says. “Baby. You know I had some trouble with it, yeah? He’s older ‘n all that, and it took me a bit, but I’m okay with it. I know he makes ya happy, and I know ya make him just as happy. But how happy can he even really _make_ ya, if he don’t know the most important part about ya?”

“ _Mum_ ,” she says, just to get Michelle to stop talking. She doesn’t really have anything she wants to say, she just wants her Ma to _stop fucking talking_. It doesn’t work.

“No,” Michelle says, scooting her seat up closer to the table so she can get closer to Eggsy. “You listen to me, young lady. I know I ain’t been the best ma. I know we got some issues, and a lot of it is my own damn fault. But Dean is gone, ya hear? He ain’t ever comin’ back, and I ain’t lettin’ my fear of _nobody_ outweigh my love for you. I just want ya to be happy, Love. You’s the happiest I ever seen ya, right now, but you still ain’t _happy_ , is ya? Not _really_.” Eggsy has her eyes closed, not wanting to listen to the onslaught of words.

“M’happy, mum,” she says, but there’s no fight in it, because she knows it’s true. She’s _not_ happy. Not _really_.

Harry is the perfect partner in every way. He’s kind, considerate, he listens to what she has to say and is genuinely interested in everything that may come out of her mouth. He would do anything for Eggsy, and Eggsy knows this. Some people may judge them for the age gap, but Eggsy knows that the love that Harry has for her is real, tangible. He loves his boyfriend—but that’s just it, innit? Eggsy ain’t no boyfriend. She isn’t, she never has been, she never will be. She ain’t been a boy since she tried on that dress in fourth grade, and if Dean couldn’t beat the queerness outta her, then nothing can.

“But you _ain’t_ ,” her mum insists, and Eggsy may give a great performance when faced with a job, or with people who don’t know, but she ain’t never been able to fool her own mum. Eggsy sighs.

“You’re right,” she says, because there’s no point in even pretending anymore; not to her ma. “I ain’t happy, but… can I ever be happy? Like, truly?” Michelle starts to interrupt, to tell her that _yes_ , she can be _so_ happy, but she continues before the words come out. “Look at me, Ma. You ever seen the news? Seen what happens to people like me? Girls like me?” God. She can’t even say it in public, not really. Too many years being terrified if she even said that word, _transgender _, people would somehow be able to tell just by looking at her. “We get _assaulted_ , we get _beaten up_ , we get _killed_. Ain’t no girl like me ever been in love with a bloke like Harry, and made it out alive.”__

____

“Is that what you’re scared of?” Michelle asks. “You scared he’s gonna hurt you? Cos I’ll tell ya right now, Baby, if he ever lays a hand on you, because of this or any other reason, he ain’t livin’ to see the next day.” Eggsy can’t help but smile at this, imagining her mum fighting against _Harry_. 

____

“Nah,” she says, sighing. Daisy is still coloring away, not really paying no mind to their conversation. “Not really. I don’t think he would be like that. I’m just… scared, I guess.” 

____

“What for, then?” 

____

“Dunno. Just, like… what if he breaks up with me? What if he tells everyone we know? What if I lose my job and all my friends?” 

____

“If I’m bein’ honest with ya, Babes,” Her mom starts. “I really don’ think he’ll do that. He loves ya, I can tell. Just from lookin’ I know he loves ya more than you could ever imagine.” Eggsy still won’t look her in the eye. “Listen to me, Sweetheart. I seen you, yeah? All dressed up with your boy in those suits o’ yours, arm in arm, and you look real good in a suit, Hon. Better’n anyone I’ve ever seen,” and, honestly, why the fuck is her mum telling her this if she’s trying to make her feel better? She hates those fuckin’ suits more’n anything in the world. “But you’d look so much better in a dress, Love. All dressed up with that man on your arm and your ma’s pearl necklace.” _Oh_. 

____

“Mum…” Eggsy starts, but doesn’t even know what she wants to say. 

____

“Listen…” Michelle sighs. “I ain’t tellin’ ya you gotta tell ‘im, alright? I respect your decisions, and it’s your business who ya tell and who ya don’t. But I really think, if you gave him a chance, he would love you just the way ya are. And I think he deserves to know who ya are. Who ya _really_ are.” 

____

Eggsy is not fuckin’ cryin’ right now. She’s just not. 

____

“Alright, Ma,” she says, and certainly does not rub at her nose where she’s sniffling. “I’ll.. I’ll think about it, yeah?” 

____

"Thank you, Love,” Michelle says, and reaches across the table to gently rub her thumb over her daughter’s cheek. “That’s all I’m askin’.” 

____

*** 

____

Eggsy _does_ think about it, is the thing. She thinks about it all night and all day for two weeks straight. She doesn’t think she’s actually ever gonna do it, but then one evening she’s sitting at home, on their shared bed, gazing into the full length mirror hung on the door. She strokes her hair out of her face, and thinks about what it would be like to be able to grow her hair long. She straightens out her pantlegs, and thinks about the skirts and dresses hidden at the bottom of her mum’s drawer, where anyone who saw would just assume they were old clothes that didn’t fit Michelle anymore. She thinks about long hair, flowing dresses, and pearls. She thinks about Harry’s bespoke suits, and she thinks about being someone she’s not. 

____

She thinks about a night, years ago, when she was just a girl, just fifteen, just a _kid_. She finally told her mum after a couple weeks of getting no sleep, and her mum had reacted well. She had thought, hey, maybe this is actually something she can do, something she’s allowed to be. And then Dean caught wind of some rumors going around her school, ‘bout her being a sissy, a girly boy, a _queer_. That had been the worst he’d ever beaten her, and after that night, she vowed to live her life in secret. Bein’ herself simply was just not fuckin’ worth it. She wasn’t ever gonna tell no one, not so long as it meant the multitude of things that being a girl like her means in the estates, and— 

____

She thinks about holding Harry’s hand. 

____

“Is something the matter, Darling?” Harry, who has just walked through the door, asks. 

____

_em >Nah, don’t worry about it_, she starts to say, but then… stops herself. She could do it. She could just… whisper it, into the air, like a leaf in the autumn wind, and then it’d be out there and she wouldn’t have to keep it a secret anymore. She could do it. 

__

“Actually, uh,” she begins to say, and then immediately regrets it. Well, too late now. “I have somethin’ I was… wantin’ to talk to ya about.” 

__

“Of course, Love,” Harry says, hanging up his tie in the closet. “What’s the matter?” 

__

“I was actually wonderin’ if you could, ‘haps, come sit down with me?” Harry looks mildly surprised by this, but does as she asks. When he’s sitting across from her on the bed, she takes a deep breath, and just… begins. “Well, so… I been keepin’ this secret from ya, for as long as I’ve known ya. It’s about… me, and who I am, as a person. It’s just—” She can’t fucking do this, she can’t fucking do this, she can’t fucking do this— “So, like, there were this one night, right? When I was, oh, fifteen or so. And… Dean heard about this rumor, see? This rumor, that was goin’ around my school. To put it simply, and in… nicer terms, the rumor was that I were… transgender. Trans. A trans girl.” Harry has shown no signs of surprise, negative or otherwise, and Eggsy finds herself cursing at the fact that he’s such a damn good spy. 

__

“Dean didn’t like that, see, and, well… He beat me. Threatened a lot o’ shite. That was the worst time he ever laid a hand on me, and I think it was so bad because…” She stops talking, taking a few deep breaths, and looks into Harry’s eyes for the first time. She sees nothing but kindness, but no sign that he may be expecting what she’s about to tell him. 

__

“I think it was so bad because… The rumor was true. I’m a trans girl.” 

__

She looks away from Harry at this point, not wanting to see his inevitable disappointment or anger, and it’s silent for several moments before, “Eggsy, Love.” He doesn’t sound angry, but he also is a good fuckin’ actor. She can’t let her guard down, not now. “Darling, dearest… May I touch your face?” Well, this is certainly new, Eggsy thinks. She reluctantly nods her head, and then prepares herself for the slap, or the punch, or whatever move Harry may have in store. It doesn’t come. Instead, she feels his fingers gently wrap around her jaw and lead her face back to his. He doesn’t look angry, doesn’t look upset, doesn’t look like he wants to murder her. He looks… _kind_ , with just a hint of surprise in his eyes. 

__

"Is there a name you would like to be called, other than what I currently know you as?” This was… not what she had been expecting. 

__

“No, uh,” She says, and tries not to let show how out of her element she feels. “Eggsy’s good.” Harry nods, smiling softly at her. “You’re not… angry?” 

__

“Eggsy, darling girl,” Her heart jumps at this, “How could I ever be angry with you for this? I am so glad you felt you were safe enough with me to tell me this, now I just must ask, because I would hate to assume, do you prefer to be referred to as she and her?” Eggsy is so confused. 

__

“Yeah,” she says, blinking. “But only when we’re alone, or with me mum. No one else knows.” 

__

“Of course,” he says, and then, “May I kiss you?” Eggsy doesn’t respond, just leans into Harry’s embrace, feeling his soft breath on her face before closing the distance. 

__

So maybe it ain’t so bad, Harry knowin’. Eggsy’s gotta remember to thank her ma next time she sees her.

__

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song yesterday's feelings by the used


End file.
